By Denise Donohue, Social Emotional Coach & Parent Support Specialist
Have you ever grounded your kid, maybe took away a sleepover, a phone, a favorite hoodie, and then… gave it back?
You’re not alone. I’ve been there too. You’re not a bad parent. You’re a human one. And human parents feel guilt. Especially when the consequence ends up being harder on us than on them. Canceling a sleepover? That’s not just taking something from your child…that’s taking away your peace and quiet for the night. Now you’re home with a sulky tween giving you death stares and sighing louder than the dishwasher.
Totally normal.
But here’s the thing. When we set a boundary and then undo it, especially when it’s because our child apologized sweetly, acted more mature, or just wore us down, we’re sending messages we don’t always mean to send.
What Kids Learn When We Give In:
When parents reverse a consequence, kids start learning things that can actually hurt them long-term:
“If I push hard enough, I can change the rules.”
“Mom or Dad doesn’t really mean what they say.”
“I don’t have to deal with the results of my choices.”
And that last one? That’s a big one. Because out here in the real world, consequences don’t go away because we “mean well.”
If you get fired from a job, you can’t sweet-talk your way back in after a good attitude for 20 minutes.
If you get a detention in high school, no one says, “Well… she nice to the teacher today and did all her homework, Let’s cancel that.”
The Real Cost: Safety and Trust
Here’s the part that often gets missed: when we don’t follow through, it doesn’t just affect behavior…it affects our child’s sense of safety.
Kids thrive on structure. Even when they act like they hate the rules, they need the rules. Boundaries make the world feel predictable. And when a parent says one thing and does another, even with good intentions, it sends the message: “This world isn’t stable. I don’t know what to expect.”
That can increase anxiety, reduce respect, and slowly chip away at trust.
So, What Can You Do Instead?
You don’t need to parent perfectly. But you do need to be consistent. Here’s how:
1. Pause Before You Set a Consequence
Ask yourself: Am I calm?
Can I realistically follow through?
What lesson do I want them to take from this?
If the answer is no, wait until you can answer yes.
2. Stick With It, Even When It’s Hard
It’s okay to feel bad when your child is disappointed. But don’t confuse guilt with guidance. Holding the boundary is what actually teaches self-control.
3. Repair With Integrity
If you do give in, and again, we all have, you can model accountability:
“Hey, I realized I didn’t follow through. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I’m working on being more consistent.”
That’s not weakness. That’s leadership!
The Takeaway
Consistency isn’t harsh, it’s love in motion. When we follow through, we’re not punishing our kids, we’re preparing them. For real-life relationships. For resilience. For consequences that don’t come with a “take-back” option.
So the next time you want to reverse a consequence, remember: they don’t need a softened rule. They need a steady parent.
You’ve got this. And if you need backup, I’m right here cheering you on, one boundary at a time. Click the link to schedule your complimentary session, and see how my coaching might be a right fit for you and your teen.
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